January 2nd, 2007
November 28th, 2006
I have a date tonight!!!!!!!!!1
August 2nd, 2006
boys confuse me
Current Mood: confused
July 9th, 2006
|08:44 pm - Journal time=|
Ok so i know i normally start this thing off as if i know someone is reading this, silly i know cuz most of the time i type too much and no one ends up reading this, or better yet commenting back.plus since im never on this...i decided i will use this as a private journal, one where im going to freely speak my mind on whatever and whoever.and since i dont know how to make it private and dont feel like making a new journal, anyone who reads will just have to deal w/ my inconsistant ramblings....
Journal entry #1
have you ever held someones hand and not want to let go? as if you know that if you do, you have lost some magical moment in your history w/ this person? its not that me and so and so ment to hold hands on purpose. he just happened to sit next to me today(again)in church, where everyone has to hold hands at the end. he has to always be on the bottom when holding hands, ive tried to make my hand on bottom before and he switched it.... i guess i could get used to it...but ive always been on the bottom, not on top (don't get any dirty ideas. if you dont know what im talkin about, hold hands w/ someone and find out whats more comfortable for you, top or bottom.) i dont know what it was, i look forward to this moment evey sunday, where if by chance im sitting next to him, i will get this chance. the chance to be this close to him. he knows i like him, at least im pretty sure that he does...i've talked about him before here, where ive mentioned that ive liked him, thats why ive chosen to keep his name to myself. well today when the time came around (after invitation and offering) we all stood up and grasp whoever's next to you's hand. he was on my left, and Will was on my right. he has such a firm grip that you never want to let go(not too firm, the just right firm.firm enough so it feels like he wants to hold your hand, like i feel wanted.). and we were so close today, too many people pushed into one set of chairs maybe, but not only did our hands touch, but our arms did too. i felt like was going to melt right there as Bro. Dexter started singing 'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Sweetest name i know..." and once done, i was sad, because that was it. that moment was gone, being able to feel him move, gone! all because the stupid song had to be so short. Why couldnt they have made a longer song for tonights closer? so i just stood there in this breaf moment realizing that we were still holding hands, if i can remember corectly... i believe i was staring at my feet as usual... (mom called it having a connection, making it sound like some cosmic force. totally 70's stuff) we let go as usual but this time it was a slower release. different than any other time we've had to hold hands, and maybe im just exagerating a moment i thought to have been meaningful, and it was just us being close because we were forsed to, and maybe he was just too tierd to just let go...but sometimes i wonder.did i tell you that jess now believes he's not the right guy for me?first Christina (who really makes me mad on the whole situation....)oooh i didnt tell you!!! lets begin- Christina doesnt see me and him happening, which becaus eof lack of show of interest on his part i can see why. but he doesnt reveal his thoughts to anyone really so who knows? well about a month ago, i tried to give up on the whole US happening and was just gunna try to be friends... and im talking to christina and telling her this, and she then tells me that about a month earlier. He told the group (me excluded) that WE would never happen. i became very upset at this news and told Jess what i heard, she had Russell ask Brandon(i gave up on the whole keeping his name to myself thing)if what he said was true. and Brandon said that he NEVER would say something like that, he said that he never NOT liked me, but that he was just trying to get to know me.which then made me mad a christina, why would she lie like that? she knew that i liked him alot. what kind of friend tells you something like that? since then she's been siting next to him moe, if im late to church,guess where she's sitting? almost always she's next to him. and I've never been a big jelous girl. but u push my buttons hard enough and see what happens! i was sittign next to her last week and closing song ended, and she says "well its nice to hold someone elses hand other than brandons for once, jelous Jess?" WHAT?????are u stupid???? can u actually be that mean hearted? oh and it getts better....yesterday we went and saw pirates of the carribean(very good movie i must add, GO SEE IT!!!)and we were all walking out. im talking to brandon asking him this or that about the movie, and christina walks right up and gets in between us! totally ruining any conversation chance i had w/ him. and pissing me off at the same time. and i dont even know if its that she's jelous herself that i like someone, or if she thinks she's doing me a favor...but she's been acting very strange and i've just about had it.thats that on the whole situation w/ christina for right now. and jess has started saying that she doesnt think i should go for him either, that he's been acting shady recently. ditching russell cuz he's got other things he's got to get done. she feels he's just using her to get free haircuts and whatnot. i dont see it. and i still like him. i've backed out, well sorta i still like him alot, so its hard to be the just friends thing.and only The lord knows whats really in store for my life....i just wish he's give me a hint here or there of what he has planned or even who he has planned. that would be nice.
oh and to make another doozy on my life...Jess may be moving to North carolina! i finally get a best friend again, after years of solitude and this happens! i cried the other night cuz i was just fed up w/ loosing bestfriend after bestfriend.she's not sure if she is moving, its up to this church that her father may be becoming SR. Pastor for. he's going up there and they are voting on him, and if they vote yes, the whole family is movingup there, and Russells going to move with. wich shows me how serious Jess and his relationship is. :). but that leaves me w/ just Brandon and Christina....its like the good (brandon) the bad (christina) and the ugly(meaning i think this is gunna get ugly)so only time will tell, and i havnt told her how it feels yet, im afraid to open up more to her, because once i do its gunna be so much harder when she actually leaves. scratch us living together thats gone out the window for sure.and i guess i'm just stuck here untill i get married to Mr/ whomever. but i promised id visit as much as i can and i will! u better believe it.
well i think thats all i can type for now, i have to work ing the mornign, how boring! ugg. i'll write later.ttfn
Current Location: The deep parts of my brain
Current Mood: Bubbly
Current Music: Yellowcard~inside out
May 30th, 2006
|07:42 pm - Love is a battle field|
Im goin to universal!?! yes? no? maybe?. i never have a straight answer!!!!!
i want out!!!
Brandon gave me his leopard gecko, say hello to geico!(^^). brandons my favorite friend ever
i finally have a best friend!!!!Jessie ur awsome!
Current Location: Home, where else?
Current Mood: ~!HEADACHE!~
Current Music: If we are the body~ casting crowns
May 21st, 2006
|09:34 pm - update|
well i have alot to change on my journal, lots have happened since i last updated. I am again single and still not loving it, but that jerk-o head was not Gods will for me. i'm no longer bitter w/ him, i just pray that he gets saved. because unfortunatly it will take a miracle to help him. and i wont go into details, if you havnt heard why we arnt together...dont ask please..its too long and hard of a story to tell, plus i told you i didnt want to be bitter.
I like someone, as usual. but im confused on his feelings. we flirt together at times, and he was over today for the first time at my house and wen't through all of my photo albums...why? i dunno. i have never had a guy go " do you have any more albums i can look through?" its as if thats a way he's seeing and understanding my past. and understanding it at the same time....he goes to church w/ me and he and i like the same things (fishing, camping, mountians, etc.)and being around him is always relaxing and fun. but agian i just have to pray about this one, atleast he's saved, and goes to church, and is friends w/ my best friends boyfriend. jess thinks we need to double date (once we finally start dating, if that ever occurs) her and Russ, and me and Brandon. ooh that reminds me..........
me and Jess are talking of moving in together, she knows where we can rent a good trailer in a good neighborhood (its alot better than an apartment, plus w/ an apartment you cant have pets, and my moms making me take all of mine except for the dog, the rabbit, and the 5 cats. i have to take my beardie, the prarie dog, the bird, and patches my cat. ooh and if brandon gives me his leopard gecko...that too) but the only issue is that its in clearmont... away from my job and away from guard. but i need to get out on my own, and me and jess are good together,we've had countless times where weve been stuck on a bus for 12 hrs straight playing MOW <~good game by the way. and we were roomine once before. but there is one other catch, her parents dont really want her moving out, they think its part of a rebellous act to get away from their rules. my mom doesnt care, she's w/ me 100% except i kno she doesnt want me to leave.but weve talked about what we would do, food and chore schedules rules for the house (ex: no boys at the house while only one girl is there, and no boys in bedrooms period. we want our house to be a godly one.)so im super excited, and my mom even started talking about buying us kitchen utencils. i kno we will need them. in no offence to my mother but i just know its my time to get out, leave the nest as my moms calling it, and finally i may have aplan forming that may actually work for once. i dont wanna leave my job but there would be no way i could drive from clearmont every morning all the way to apopka, and repeat it that afternoon. i would get home every night at 8pm and want to go straight to sleep. no way hosê.and jess said that there is an animal hospital in clearmont i could probably apply for. like i said, ive just got to pray on it though.
but hey theres my life story in a nut shell right now. other than that guards doin good, i dont know how to tell mrs fields that i dont think i can continue doing guard through this season, i havnt even been able to tell her that im not doing winterguard w/ her, i kno i need to let her know, but i cant stant letting people down, but i need to tell her.
well there it is, my update.
Current Location: in the den chillaxin
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Cassie~Flyleaf
February 17th, 2006
|08:49 pm - My life|
I Havnt updated in a while, and i have some things i have to get off my chest. I am so tierd of friends that are supposed to be there for you and support your decisions, totally doing the opposite. Me and Robert have been dating for about a week, sunday will be two weeks. and all i have gotten is "you need to dump him, u shouldnt date him." WHY??? they dont know him! they dont know how he makes me feel. ok so yea he doesnt go to church much, but people change, athiests become believes,Liers tell the truth, and alcoholics can jump On/off the bandwagon. so whos saying that he wont go to church w/ me? thats the only reason my frineds want me to break up w/ him! no other reason at all. and for the whole long distance thing... i have done this before, andrew lived in clearmont, and the only days i really got to see him was wednesdays and sundays, we didnt go out on dates much and i had to wait til 9 to talk to him also. but w/ Robert its different, he actually tells me that he misses me, and next sunday im going to meet his parents in jacksonville(which im super thrilled and scared to do all at the same time). neways im done. i had to get this off my chest one way or another otherwise its gunna sit here and harden my heart.
oooh now that thats done, i have super ubber cool news:
I went and saw wicked 3 sundays ago, and OMG IT WAS AMAZING!!!
i have never seen a broadway musical before, and yes i saw it in tampa w/ the touring group and our galinda forgot her line for a quick second but it was amazing
. i still cant get over it, and i seriously hope they make a movie like they did w/ rent, and west side story. b/c omg i will repeat it again...omg it was fantabulous!
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Somthing bad-Wicked
October 15th, 2005
very First Best Friend(s): Mars Collins. i miss him
First Kiss: Jason Mckennon, pray for him
First Screen Name:i dunno, it had somthin about cats...umm....
First Pet: Hopper, my parakeet
First Piercing: my ears!
First Crush(s): Brian from the backstreet boys
First CD: Backstreet Boys
Last Cigarette: dont and never will!
Last alcoholic beverage: Corona spit into my mouth when i was 10
Last Car Ride: yesterday night coming home from work
Last Kiss: May....im in withdrawls....
Last Movie Seen: the transporter 2
Last Phone Call: Kenneth
Last CD Played: Wicked the musical soundtrack
6 Have you..
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: no, but i had a major crush on one of my best friends.
Have You Ever Broken the Law: yes but ive repented
Have You Ever Been Arrested: no
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped:yes, once by myself
Have You Ever Been on TV: yes i have! Guard performances
Have You Ever Been in love: what is the definition of love? i do not think i have ever been in love
Things You're Wearing: Blue guard shorts and a white tee
Things You've Done Today: slept in, computer, spray painted the toombstones, cleaned room, cleaned prarie dogs cage, watched hocus pocus.
Things You Can't Live Without: FOOD! friends, toilet paper,A/C. i had to live w/out that for 2 weeks..thats what u call hard.
Places You've Been: NY, Tenn, NC,SC, allover Fl.GA MICHIGAN...
Favorite Things in NO order: GUARD, MUSiC, ART,CHurch, Guitars
bands/musicians you like: My chemical romance, Jason mraz,AAR,Fall out boy
books you've read and liked reading: All of the harry potter books, Steven king novels,Ella enchanted,dragons of pern
favorite foods: italian, seafood..CRABLEGS!!!!porkchops, and chocolate.
objects around you: Guard flag, chick-fil-A cup, necklace,sterio.
People You Can Tell *Almost* Anything To:kenneth, Rachel,kristen, brandon
little words: Cow,cat, butt, god<~~big word, lil spelling
dreams:i had this dream once where me and my ex finally frenched. i dunno why i had a dream about him. i guess i was woried about him because he's over in korea being a Military policeman and kickin butt.
1. Black or White: both, you cant have one and not have the other
2. Hot or Cold: i'd rather b cold, cuz u can always put somthin on.
1 Thing You Want to Do Before You Die:
Go to australia
Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: Wicked: NO good Deed
September 7th, 2005
|11:50 am - Gods will|
well i have been quite selfish recently, caring little of others and thinking that my own thoughts are better than anyone elses. I realized that over this last weekend. i stayed over at my friend jessicas house for two nights, and josh ofcourse was there. he's had some major issues recently, getting so far from god in such a small time that i just dont know what happend. rumor has it that MY josh was smoking, drinking, and doing pot! he tried to end his life, and then moved in w/ a 15yr old and her parents. and then became sexually active!. what happend to my josh? the guy that did christian bootcamp? the one that thought he was going to go into the ministry? well it taught me this weekend...while listening to jess tell me all the stuff i didnt know about josh, that you should be thinkin of others way more than you ever think of yourself. in the bible it says "deny your self and pick up your cross daily" also "Christ, others and then yourself" but thats definetly not how ive been acting, and that will change now. i see him slowly changing back into the josh i first met, the good guy the one that girls really do wish of marrying.i was in his room w/ jess b/c she was getting clothes for russel her b/f. and i saw two books that made me really happy, one was about purity and the spiritual walk. and another one was about staying away from urges....through christ. i see he's changing, he wants a good girl but he wants to get his life back in order and get his relationship w/ christ stable and growning again before he wants to date.
Momma eaton always kids around saying that she wants josh to date and marry me one day. (josh just shrugs it off) i went out to dinner w/ russel, jess, and zach. and momma eaton was like"NO SHE CANT START LIKING ZACK, SHE IS TO LIKE JOSH!!! I WONT HAVE IT" and jess had to tell her that i dont like zach.
its quite fuinny really. well i have to get ready, i'm goin to the doctors to show them that my tb test came out negative. so i'm off to the showers.
living achanged life, everyday.
P.s~~~i am sooo going to night of joy friday, and i think andrew is gunna re-introduce me to Berry from mercy me. he's andrews cousin!!!! i think i will try to get his autograph! awsomeness! n-e wayz byez
Current Mood: Appreciative
Current Music: "If we are the Body"~casting crowns
August 17th, 2005
Well aren't you lucky?! You're bitchy bitchy
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well i dont think that im that complaining...i've gotten better....i think.....